I liked your text choice and your strong description of the magazine's cover. Your focus on the players' stances is nicely developed. You did a good job of reading further into the details. You do state a claim, but you should develop it further. Because you focus on the influential meaning of the ESPN cover, you could include that in your thesis. You did a good job in stating the deeper meaning and several supporting claims. The descriptions add a lot of supporting reasons and evidence to your claim. Your claim can be developed further though. You have all of your evidence stated. Just state it in your thesis as well. You did well in portraying the text. I was slightly distracted by grammer though. Watch out for run-on sentences and sentence structure. The ideas of each sentence will flow better if they are seperated. You should focus on the grammar of your paper and your order of ideas. In the beginning, focus on the description, which you have done a good job on. After this, keep all of the positive ideas together and all of the negative ideas of baseball together. Just switching the order of a few paragraphs would do the trick. I feel that you don't necessarily have to say the importance of the magazine. Unless you add an idea that would require a description of the magazine, just stating that the magazine is about sports is sufficient.
1 comment:
I liked your text choice and your strong description of the magazine's cover. Your focus on the players' stances is nicely developed. You did a good job of reading further into the details. You do state a claim, but you should develop it further. Because you focus on the influential meaning of the ESPN cover, you could include that in your thesis. You did a good job in stating the deeper meaning and several supporting claims. The descriptions add a lot of supporting reasons and evidence to your claim. Your claim can be developed further though. You have all of your evidence stated. Just state it in your thesis as well. You did well in portraying the text.
I was slightly distracted by grammer though. Watch out for run-on sentences and sentence structure. The ideas of each sentence will flow better if they are seperated.
You should focus on the grammar of your paper and your order of ideas. In the beginning, focus on the description, which you have done a good job on. After this, keep all of the positive ideas together and all of the negative ideas of baseball together. Just switching the order of a few paragraphs would do the trick. I feel that you don't necessarily have to say the importance of the magazine. Unless you add an idea that would require a description of the magazine, just stating that the magazine is about sports is sufficient.
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